I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
