there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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