Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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