I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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