I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
