Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
