I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
