I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
