The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
