There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
