he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
