Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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