She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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