Your face is a jimmy john
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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