Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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