I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
pray to the hookup gods
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
