glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
