mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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