Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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