I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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