I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize