i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
