I'm passing your future prison.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
