so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
