you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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