I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm getting married
To pizza
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
