You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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