So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
