well I can't set my house on fire every night
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
