Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
