He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
