My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
