he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
