Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
