your room smells of hookers.
And success
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
