i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
