my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
