please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
