I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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