my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
