brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and she was petting her beer can
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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