Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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