got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
