shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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