We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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