there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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