Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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