In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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