The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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