I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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