When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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